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May 7, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — thirdxlucky @ 12:43 am

Oh! Oh! I know this one!

…This is the onset of depression. This is what that feels like.

I’m sick, so I haven’t been leaving the house, and my diet has gone to hell because I can’t really stomach much of anything. I also haven’t gotten any exercise in the past couple of weeks and my sleep hasn’t been great. I’m having exaggerated fears and getting teary about random things. I feel headachy and bleary most of the time – since before I got struck down by the Crud. I’m not getting any work done. I feel tired and want to nap all the time. I don’t feel up to socializing, even with people who are in my own house. I’m indulging in really twisted self-destructive masturbatory fantasies that I know mess up my head. I’m spending hours and hours on the Internet without knowing what I’m doing there. I literally haven’t been outside the house in about 48 hours. I’m ignoring really important shit like I need to sign up for medical benefits, and pay my credit card, and write thank you notes to my grandparents, and all these things have deadlines. I’m not writing. AT ALL. I’m not reading much of anything. My living space is trashed and disorganized. I keep trying to get up and go for a walk but finding myself screwing around on Facebook for another hour instead. …And I just Googled download Gossip Girl.

If I’m at the point where I’m considering watching Gossip Girl rather than do, well, anything else…Houston, we have a problem.

Because, don’t mistake me, it’s not like I was going to just download an episode of Gossip Girl. No, if I start, I am going to hole up in the basement and watch twenty-two hours of worthless, socially unredeemable, trashy, self-loathing inducing television straight until I feel like my eyes are going to bleed, emerging only occasionally to feed myself subsistence-level fistfuls of Cheez-Its and cold tortillas and… I have a job? What?

Fuck.

We are not doing this.

I’m going for a walk.

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2 Comments »

  1. :hugs:

    That sounds familiar. I employ a similar coping mechanism when feelikeshititis strikes. Unfortunately, wasting time leads me to a cycle of procrastination and feeling worse.

    Last month’s epiphany:
    It’s 5:54? Why the fuck did I spend the past five hours on Wikipedia trying to figure out what the letters on airplane runway signs stand for? Clearly, I have a problem. Maybe if I Google “time management help,” I can figure out how to moderate my Internet time better.

    Anyhow, I hope you feel better soon.

    Comment by ann — May 7, 2009 @ 11:59 pm | Reply

  2. * hugs back * Thanks. 🙂

    Going for a walk did make a positive difference, actually. I also ended up going to Urgent Care later that evening and, while the overall experience was generally horrendous, it actually helped my mental state a lot to have it confirmed that, yes, I really was very sick – thus, completely unsurprising that I couldn’t motivate myself to be ‘productive’. I wish I trusted myself and my own intuition about my body’s needs enough that I didn’t need drastic situations and expensive outside “authorities” to confirm them…but I’m working on it.

    You know, I’ve gotten more response to this entry than probably anything else I’ve blogged about here – including a very sweet and supportive/commisserative phone call. It makes me think about how so many folks in our little community struggle with problems similar to these, and wonder about ways we could support each other around them. Hm.

    Maybe if I Google “time management help,” I can figure out how to moderate my Internet time better.

    Hehe. Awesome…

    Comment by thirdxlucky — May 10, 2009 @ 5:36 pm | Reply


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