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June 5, 2009

Update

Filed under: Uncategorized — thirdxlucky @ 6:24 pm

Hiya!

I’m just posting something quick because I’m trying to stay in the habit of regular updates, even if I don’t have time to sit down and compose anything with substance.

I’ve spent the past few days in Limon with the boy, visiting some Ice friends, trying to get some work done, doing a massive amount of relationship processing, and seeing about getting him a job. I’ve also been working out every morning, cleaning and unpacking, sleeping lots, and generally trying to take care of both myself and him. I had my third fiddle lesson last night. Tomorrow we’re going to a big gun show in North Denver, and I’ll probably write more about that.

Working at the computer is still giving me headaches and eye-strain, but I haven’t made time to do anything about it yet.

I am, as usual, trying to keep too many balls in the air. I’m also trying to learn how let go of stuff and be less of a control freak… I’m not sure how that’s going.

While I was unpacking some boxes, I came across an old term paper that I’d written for Simon – a sort of final capstone on all my college Philosophy classes. It certainly wasn’t the most clever or sophisticated philosophical commentary ever penned by a 22 year old but, to be fair, it was pretty fucking good. Seeing it gave me a momentary flash of bitterness and regret – a sort of feeling that’s very new to me, one I didn’t believe was possible when I wrote the paper; a sense of youthful possibility as something passed, of dreams deferred and eventually drawered, of “could have beens” whose windows have closed…

Then I actually re-read the paper which, ironically, was all about the relationship between Heideggarian anxiety and Nietzsche’s amor fati – or, in other words, about possibility and filling one’s life with meaning by embracing the inevitability of death. Suddenly I remembered what it felt like to be 22, in love with the world I was discovering, finding faith in myself, and saying a sacred FUCK YES! to life…And then I drove to Nederland on a whim, pounced on August, and ate some hotdogs.

Anyway.

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