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March 31, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — thirdxlucky @ 6:34 am

okay, i’m writing. not tired. not sleeping. party ’cause i’ve been up so late on the internet so many nights. slept ’til ten today, up ’til two the night before. wtf. i don’t know. metz is watching this documentary on the phelps clan. it’s distracting. i’m interested. i dunno. brain won’t spin down. sex. crazy. not making much sense. so spun up. stress. too manythings to do. not organized. house is a mess. too many social obligations. over committing myself. enough time for everything though, if i’d just use it for what it’s for and not fuckin’ facebook. mew. i dunno. need to prioritize exercise, sleep, eating right, sex, writing. if i could work out an hour a day, write an hour a day, and have sex every day for a week, i think it would make a difference. so hard to make the time tho. but i should just take it from work time. ’cause really, what i’m actually taking it from is facebook time. i’m spending that time on facebook, not on work. whereas if i’d effin’ work out and sleep and write and fuck like a normal human being, then maybe i’d be able to concentrate on work instead of just letting the internet suck my brain.

so many letters i think about writing people. who? what? um. hm. stress. i dunno. eric. i really do need to write him. ted. joshua, now. tyler. cooper. becky. linda. cameron. fantasy letters. propositions, questions, apologies, i don’t know. i need to let go. do more work. write more. read the tao te ching. stop trying to complete writing projects when i’m not even doing basic maintenance. stop trying to start new relationships when i’m not even focusing any energy on the one i’m in. just try to focus on the basics for a few days. just a start. just a few days. don’t overcommit. don’t take on anything new. don’t try to make new friends. don’t try to get new people into bed. don’t try to write a goddamn book or even a blog post. get off facebook. get off okcupid. clean the kitchen. clean downstairs. vaccuum. get shit thrown away. do something with the living room. do my taxes. get my benefits stuff turned in. get my finances sorted out. find a ride for k. don’t overwhelm myself with stuff right now. just focus on priorities. maslow’s heirarchy.

TOP PRIORITIES: Exercise. Sleep. Journaling. Sex.
NEXT PRIORITIES: Work. Taxes. Benefits packet. Cleaning.
THIRD PRIORITIES: PQ appointments. Travel plans. New friends. Blogging.
FOURTH PRIORITES: Whatever.

man, the kitties are adorable.

still not tired. really just want to go run and run and run and run. this writing isn’t very cathartic. maybe ’cause i’m not getting down to any kind of emotional core. just making a list of the surface stressors. the GTD stuff that’s spinning and spinning and spinning my brain. stuff that’s deeper, underneath…

but i know it’ll sort itself out if i just make the first priorities into priorities. i’m not going to get there tonight. i just want to cry and be exhausted. i should get a massage. and cry and cry and cry. maybe i can make an appointment. to cry, i mean. why am i no good at taking care of myself? i know all the things i need to do. i just need to do them. but it’s not that simple, i guess. i have to make a habit out of them. habits. they have to be habits. maybe it would help to try and get aug to help me. seems like a lot of lot of lot of work to convince him to help me in the ways i need tho. i dunno. not sure what to do. exercise. sleep. journaling. sex. mrrf. mew. i dunno. blah. just remember to take the first priorities first. if you keep trying to hit the #2 things without doing the #1 things you’re just going to keep ramming your head up against a brick wall.

REBECCA. IT IS OKAY TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST. IN FACT, YOU *HAVE TO* TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST, BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF ANYONE OR ANYTHING ELSE UNTIL YOU DO.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST, WOMAN.

FOR FUCK’S SAKE, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FIRST.

Okay, yawning. Maybe now I can sleep.

Love.

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