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December 22, 2011

Oh well.

Filed under: Uncategorized — thirdxlucky @ 11:26 am

I’m at Yellow Feather Coffee on 7th & Santa Fe with Lafe. He’s working on his business plan to take over the world. I’m eating a breakfast burrito. I think I’ll start using this blog again. I came back a while ago and made a post about why I hadn’t been writing here, and then deleted it for all the same reasons that I hadn’t been writing here, but fuck it. Here I am. Sitting in Yellow Feather eating a breakfast burrito with Lafe.

It’s still snowing. Been snowing since yesterday afternoon. The sticky, wet, fluffy kind. About half a foot. Slept at the Tea Haus last night. I’d been planning to anyway but even if I hadn’t been, we would’ve gotten snowed in. I like being snowed into Denver. I like most things about being in Denver, really.

I’m thinking about how my body feels. Which is, I think, the wrong way to go about it. I should be feeling how my body feels… But I’m still working up to that. For the past year or so, I’ve been making an concerted effort to deal with how detached I am from my body. The reasons for this disconnect are many and confusing to me and I don’t want to go into too much detail here. There’s some shitty stuff that happened with my family when I was a child, a history of body-image issues and disordered eating stuff (some of which is catalogued earlier in this blog), some pretty run-of-the-mill sexual trauma, and a number of other tiny little environmental or incidental influences that I’ll never fully be conscious of. The end result is that I’ve been at war with my body for most of my life. (I believe they call this “self-destructive”.) Over the past several years, we’ve developed an uneasy truce but we still don’t really trust one another.

I don’t really want to talk about this anymore. At some point, I might want to write about what the recovery process has involved and felt like so far, but I feel too vulnerable to do that in this space right now. Plus, it’s so new, I don’t really have the words to describe it.

This wasn’t what I intended to write about this morning. Oh well.

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