Bloggity Blog Blog Blog…

December 23, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — thirdxlucky @ 2:57 pm

So, evidently, my mother came across my blog. Not this blog, I don’t think. I feel like the e-mail I got last night would’ve been significantly more hysterical if it had been this blog. I think it was this one – which, ironically, is a squishy little LiveJournal I started explicitly for the purpose of processing grief around my abusive relationship with her. I didn’t respond. Instead, I laid awake in bed feeling triggered and terrified for a while. I wished that the sweet sleeping boi at my side would hold me. But I would’ve felt too silly, waking them up at 3am and having to explain that I’m crying because, “My mom found my blog.” So I just lay there and stared at the ceiling until I finally fell asleep.

What do I want to do with this? My immediate gut response was, “Fuck it. I’m done. I never want to expose anything vulnerable about myself online ever again.” But that’s silly. First of all, the Internet is already seeded all over the place with tiny little pieces of my soul, most of them attached to my real name. There’s no way to erase that history. And I find a lot of value in that. Both in that it allows me to be seen, at least a little bit, in the ways that I’ve always struggled and craved to be seen, and also in that I’ve been extremely appreciative of so many others who’ve bared themselves on the Internet in ways that have given me insight, encouragement, strength, solace, and perspective over the course of my life. I know that some of my writing has done the same for others, and it’s important for me to continue giving that back*.

It’s one thing to bare my soul on the Internet for strangers, though. And another thing entirely to bare my soul to my mother. I just don’t know what to do when people I’m afraid of use that vulnerability to hurt me. I’m not going to stop writing. I can’t. I won’t. But it just freaks me the fuck out.

* It’s funny to talk about this here, because I feel like it’s been so long since I wrote publicly, my ability to do it well is extremely rusty. The sentences in this post feel clunky and awkward. But the feelings are real.

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