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February 6, 2012


Filed under: Uncategorized — thirdxlucky @ 5:34 pm

I’m doing a little better. Matthew came up for the weekend and we talked a lot and cuddled. We went to the playground with Trevor where we all howled like werewolves. It felt great but left me with a sore throat. It was Trevor’s first time walking in snow, having spent most of his 4 year old life so far living in the South. He was pretty daunted to start, sinking waist-deep in fluffy powder and afraid that if he fell there would be water underneath. He eventually got the hang of it. And then, exhausted, managed to score a ride all the way home on Dad’s shoulders. The two of them might move in with us this June if Siren decides to move out. I think that would be good for all of us. Matthew’s struggling, too, with feeling disconnected and unsupported – especially now that he has Trevor full-time.

It was a strange weekend. Unusually intense. I was in a bunch of physical pain for most of it and processing some kind of inarticulable, somatic trauma that just seemed to come up out of nowhere. Uncontrollable shaking at random intervals. At one point, Elaan found me in bed sobbing and convulsing. “What’s wrong?” I choked out a muffled, “i don’t know” between sobs. “Did something happen?” she asked? “no, i don’t know..i don’t know…” I buried my face in the pillows again as the grief took over. She curled up on the bed and held me until the crying stopped and I said, “Fuck. I really need to blow my nose.” I had these incredible visions of swarms of insects clearing away to reveal that they’ve been guarding something all along. I’m still “seeing” them as much as I usually do, but they’re somehow less terrifying now. “They’re protecting something,” I tell myself, and somehow that makes them more okay. It feels as if some kind of fever broke.

Matthew stayed for Sunday night dinner. Elaan cooked. Yum. Trevor and Shylo spent the whole evening chasing each other around the house, dressing up in Rock Star costumes, making monkey noises and literally climbing the walls. Matthew helped me move the snake’s tank from the loft out into the living room; I think he’ll get a little more attention out there, too. Apparently, everybody’s feeling kinda love-starved lately. “It’s January,” Matthew pointed out in explanation. “Oh. Right,” I said. Except, it’s actually February, of course.

This morning, Elaan asked me to come sit and meditate at Naropa with her before class. I said yes. We dropped Shylo off at the bus. She made both of us a lunch.


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