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March 13, 2012

The Internet is a Never-Ending Confessional

Filed under: Uncategorized — thirdxlucky @ 11:10 pm

Alright. First thing’s first: I’m going to start blogging again. I don’t know what’s going to show up in this entry. But I feel like I’m stuck in a psychological loop and I need to move. Writing does that.

I quit my job. Y’all probably already know about that. I haven’t exactly quit quit, yet. I’m in the process of quitting. I probably don’t need to explain why. I’ve had a tortured relationship with it for a while. It’s just time to move on.

I’m scared about money. Not that scared. Probably not as scared as I should be. I was never really raised to actually worry about money, just to feel immensely confused by and guilty about it all the time, and to be terrible at dealing with it because I don’t know how to think about it like a responsible person and it’s probably some man’s job to handle it for me anyway. Intersections between binary sexism and upper middle-class privilege, yay!

So, I’m giving up my steady source of income in a bad economy while paying rent and ridiculous energy bills on a house in central Boulder, and I’m carrying a bunch of credit card debt, and I’m bad with managing money and simultaneously very good at throwing money at problems that I don’t feel capable of dealing with in a more resourceful way. I’m either going to have to learn how get my shit together or drown. This should be fun.

Full disclosure: I also have access to some money that my grandparents put away for me to go to school on. I’m going to tap it, mostly so that I can continue to afford therapy, because I had a long conversation with myself in which I decided that it’s legitimate to spend my family’s money to try and recover from ways that growing up in my family fucked me up. It is an incredible ridiculous OTT privilege that I’m able to do this. I am pretty good at not getting mired in self-flagellatory privilege-guilt, but I feel WHOA way huge guilty about this. I am choosing to do it anyway, because taking the best care I’m able of my mental health is important to me and to the people who love me. I’m probably gonna keep feeling guilty about it for a while, though. And I’ve actually been putting it off and putting it off because I feel guilty about it, which has gotten me further and further into debt that I’m now paying interest on.

So, that’s stupid.

I’m gonna go deal with that right now, in fact.

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2 Comments »

  1. If taking care of yourself is a privilege, its the kind that everyone should have, not the kind that no one should have. I think its good to make use of these kinds of privileges, partially because it makes us more able to work toward them not being privileges anymore.

    Did that make any sense?

    P.S. Also, it’s ok to feel guilty. Things are complicated. You don’t need to feel guilty about feeling guilty. But if you do, that’s ok too.

    Comment by Corvinity — March 14, 2012 @ 6:04 pm | Reply

    • That did make sense and thank you for always being so unconditionally supportive. This is essentially what I’ve been telling myself in my head, but it always helps to hear it validated from someone on the outside. * hugs * Thanks.

      I got your voicemail. It was sweet. Thanks. I’ll call you soon. 🙂

      Comment by thirdxlucky — March 15, 2012 @ 6:55 pm | Reply


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