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April 13, 2012

A lot of things are always happening all the time.

Filed under: Uncategorized — thirdxlucky @ 4:57 pm

A String of Related Non-Narrative Notes:

I use technology to escape my body. Being trapped in my head feels claustrophobic; this is not a normal way to walk around. I told my therapist the only thing I appreciate about having a body is that I know it allows me to be alive, but that I like the Internet because I don’t have to lug it there with me. I’m not a cyborg; I’m just a decker who hangs out in seedy statusbars because I don’t want to go home.

I’ve been wanting to cut more lately than I have in years. I will probably continue choosing not to, but I want to acknowledge that the desire exists and that that’s okay. I will always be a recovering anorexic, even though I have never looked and will never look like the runway models for whom people use that word as an epithet. It’s as much about a desperate desire for control inside the chaos as it is about internalized fatphobia. And it’s as much about internalized fatphobia as it is about a desperate desire for control.

The ways I hate my body influence the way I choose my partners. But not who I find beautiful. Like it’s okay to admire other fat people from afar, but if we got close enough to touch I might have to accept that they find me beautiful too in spite of their knowing what it’s like to live in this skin in ways my slender, muscular lovers will never really understand.

Besides my brain, the only part of my body that feel like me is my hands; I use them to write and fuck and type and those things are more real to me than most other things that happen.

We had a conversation, my body and I. It told me it’s sick of being abused but doesn’t think it can do anything about it and is so resigned to that fact it doesn’t even want to talk about it. That made me sad. Even though I wanted nothing more that day than to invent infinite creative new ways to hurt my body in hopes I might make it disappear. Here’s one of those things that seems so obvious I don’t know why I have to write it down, but which actually needs repeating over and over and over: When I treat my body nicely, we get along better.

I hung out with my body once, though. We were both on Molly at the time. We had a good time together drinking the hot broth at the bottom of the Ramen Noodle Cup. It was like one of those stories where bitter enemies get trapped together in a cabin in a snowstorm and end up drunk on whisky and doing something silly and telling each other how much they secretly appreciate each other and then when the 10th Mountain Division shows up to rescue them the next morning, they pretend like nothing ever happened.

Craniosacral massage seems to work on me like magic — which is basically what it claims to be, so I guess that’s fine. Walking home just now, I could feel the wind on my skin like breath from the trees. And somehow I knew I was hungry just because…I did. Cheddar is my favorite cheese — really, really sharp white cheddar, the kind that comes in paper packages from Ireland and bites you on the sides of the tongue — at least I know that much. And that’s enough to get by on some days. [Part about what some other days are like redacted.] This isn’t really a story. There’s no rising action or conclusion. Maybe it’s a poem. Maybe this is what a poem feels like. Fuck. A lot of things are always happening all the time.


1 Comment »

  1. […] Here’s a piece I wrote that might be useful: A lot of things are always happening all the time. […]

    Pingback by Operating Manual: How to Help Me When I’m Upset « Bloggity Blog Blog Blog… — May 16, 2012 @ 11:27 pm | Reply

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