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April 13, 2012

Perfectionism is a Slow Poison

Filed under: Uncategorized — thirdxlucky @ 3:23 am

I’m feeling a little bit disillusioned with regard to the value of conferences. “Disillusioned” maybe isn’t the right word. How ’bout: Bored. I’ve spent all week at these two conferences and it’s been nice ‘n’ all but I haven’t really heard a whole lot I didn’t already know. I’m not entirely sure what I want to be doing with my time.

I don’t seem to be getting the headaches today and that’s nice. I haven’t produced or accomplished much of anything that matters to me today, though. Or even in the past week. This is sort of a myth I tell myself constantly, though, that I “haven’t done anything” today. Maybe I should start doing what I used to do at work, which is just keep a little document open where I can keep track of whatever I’m actually doing in a given day — so that I can look back and get more realistic perspective on what I am and am not getting done.

I could also stop obsessing over being a “productive member of society”. But that’ll probably take years of therapy. ;P

I feel like I should be doing something to figure out how I’m going to make money. Or, at least, that I should be doing something to figure out how much money I have now and how long I can live on it before I absolutely have to make some money. I’m resistant, though. I’m resistant to thinking about money always. It’s a problem. In any case, I need to get in touch with Michelle about setting up a schedule for me to clean her house. That was supposedly going to happen this week and then it didn’t.

This entry feels very LiveJournalesque. Which is funny, because I spent a bunch of time yesterday drafting a blog post about grief and guilt and racism and activism and youth torture that was fairly intense and challenging for me to write. But then I didn’t actually write it. I would like to. I would like to write a lot of things. There’s also a piece I want to write about suicide, and another one about the nature of “amateur” sexuality and how angry it makes me. Maybe, at some point, I’ll take some time to go through the ‘Writing Notes’ tag in my Gmail and turn some of that stuff, any of it, into compositions. Maybe I won’t. I’ve also been considering starting to make some videos again. They can be a nice stream-of-consciousness way to get a lot of ideas out quickly. Plus they are kind of a fun creative product. On the other hand, they’re harder to reference. I don’t know. I need to make myself some structure.

Maybe.

Or maybe I just need to see what it’s like when I really don’t have any structure at all.

I’d probably just play a lot of Tetris.

I want:
– A clean and organized room.
– A fed and happy snake.
– A clear idea of what’s going on with my finances.
– My taxes done.
– A finite but focused amount of time dedicated to staying connected with my loved ones in other places, including my partners and my bio-family.
– To read, at minimum, a book a week.
– Some amount of creative output that feels meaningful to me and that feels like it’s in a process of improvement, not just masturbatory manic hypergraphia.
– A collated list of all the Maybe/Someday projects I’ve been putting off. Not necessarily because I’m going to do any of them, but just so that I can have them all in one place and look at them and make decisions about them.
– To feel good about and grounded in my body.
– More physical intimacy than I’ve been getting. Not a LOT more. But I’d like someone to cuddle with one or two nights a week.
– A better understanding of my public self vs. my private self, what kind of role I want to play in my communities, my family, my political work, etc. right now.
– A lip piercing.
– To stop taking on new projects long enough to start chipping away at some of the ones that have been on the list forever OR to be willing to go through that list and cull things that I’m realistically never going to actually do.
– Some good conversations with August, Elaan and Dakota about various possibilities for how the next two years are so are going to take shape for everyone re: living situations, work, school, kids, etc.
– To play a lot of Tetris.

Funny story: One of the many neurotic reasons that I don’t take care of myself is that I’m often afraid that explicitly prioritizing self-care over “being productive” or “community building” etc. is actually just an excuse for “being lazy”. I am, for some reason, terrified by the thought of “laziness” — especially the thought that it might apply to me. But would it be the end of the world? God for-fucking-bid I have flaws. Maybe I ought to see what it’s like to jettison all thoughts of self-care-as-investment-in-an-ability-to-work-even-harder and just embrace straight-up “laziness” for a while. If I wasn’t so afraid of it, I might actually have an EASIER time both doing genuine effective self-care and getting work done. Or maybe I’d just discover that the world doesn’t end.

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