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May 9, 2012

The Kind of Bachelor I Am

Filed under: Uncategorized — thirdxlucky @ 11:03 pm

Whoa. What if I just blogged in concrete and explicit language about what’s going on in my life right now? I mean literally right now?

So here I am, in the kitchen, and my roommate’s boyfriend is telling me stories about tripping at the hot springs and I’m half paying attention and half thinking about whether I can get away with not putting clean sheets back on my bed tonight and I’m absentmindedly making myself dinner which means boxed macaroni and cheese and boiled hot dogs at ten o’clock at night because that’s the kind of bachelor I am. The first two hot dogs were cooked and chopped and just about to be tipped into the potful of endearingly bunny-and-carrot-shaped noodles when my roommate said, “Um, hon, don’t use those, they’ve gone bad. I can smell them from across the room.” If I didn’t have roommates, by the way, I’d be the kind of bachelor whose fridge contained nothing but ketchup. (But I’d damn well have some ketchup in there because, seriously, what is the deal with people who don’t keep ketchup around?) When roommate and boyfriend go to bed, I drink their pineapple orange mango juice straight out of the carton and I don’t feel bad except for a second because I didn’t wipe off the lip.

And it’s strange, this thing. This thing where I’m in a greater number of intimate, significant, committed, loving relationships concurrently than most people will go through sequentially in a lifetime. For some definition of “relationship”. One that seems to involve very little sex and very little domesticity and even more rarely the two simultaneously, so that occasionally even I wonder what the hell I mean when I say that I’m “in a relationship with”…except that I don’t, really. Wonder. Because, while I have no idea what it means to be “in a relationship” categorically, I know exactly what it feels like to be in each of the relationships I am in and what’s special about them and why they matter to me and how they structurally support and enrich and ground my life and I also know that I’m not going to count them and fuck you very much for asking “how many people I’m dating, anyway.” Because it’s not like that. It’s not like anything you understand as a “relationship structure” even in your wildest polywhateverous fantasies. It’s just like…being with people. And that being really important but not a big deal.

But it is like this: Sometimes, even though I share a house with two partners, it’s like having no one to come home to. And sometimes it’s like not having anything resembling sex for months. It’s like having total control over all my time and how I spend it but feeling far away from almost everyone I’d want to spend it on. It’s phone calls instead of goodnight kisses and goodnight kisses instead of being held when I have nightmares. Sometimes it’s so spacious that it just feels lonely, this dedicated bachelor’s tao.

But not tonight. Tonight it feels like being bordered by deep, complex, irreplaceable, interconnected threads of love all along the periphery of time and space and like, right here in front of me, enough mac ‘n’ cheese to have leftovers for breakfast and time to myself to write.

I like it a lot.

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