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May 21, 2012

Notes-to-Self Inbox Dump

Filed under: Uncategorized — thirdxlucky @ 7:23 pm

Snippets sent to my “Writing Notes” folder that may or may not ever get expanded into longer pieces:

. . .

On the Elixir: How do we learn to manage the chronic pain of despair such that we can continue to live our lives and do our work and love with our whole hearts and also be attentive enough to take good care of ourselves and live such that, on those rare and wonderful days when we wake up not in pain, we can really make the best of them?

. . .

I’m a fan of tough-as-nails motherfuckers who cry a lot.

. . .

Rape culture doesn’t just teach us rape is okay, it teaches us that it’s hot, desirable, that’s it’s preferable to be raped than to be be given a choice, that not only is rape sex/y but that it is the BEST kind of sex — the kind where you’re such a desirable object that you can’t be resisted.

. . .

On Scenes: Part of the structure of a bar is to have a bathroom. If you’ve spent any time at all in bars, you know how to find the bathroom and you have a pretty good idea what to expect when you get there. Bars are not a monolith either, but it’s still safe to assume that in any bar you find, there’s someone inside somewhere taking a shit.

. . .

“You have no idea how much privilege it takes to think it’s cool to dress poor.” – Sonya Renee to Andrea Gibson

. . .

On Oppressor Identities: Cops are ppl too. But the kind of ppl they are is COPS. It’s not abt saying ‘you chose to be a cop’ so you deserve to be hated on. That’s victim blaming. It’s about saying ‘what you’re doing right now is policing me and no matter who you are as a human being. It’s my right not to be policed. If you can be a cop w.o policing me, then sure, we’re cool. But you can’t because that’s not just what cops do, it’s what cops are: They’re the police. The only way for you to stop policing me is to give up being a cop. So, until you do that, we’re not cool. But hey, I’M not a cop and let me tell ya, not being a cop is great. You just don’t get to be a cop and not be a cop.”

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3 Comments »

  1. These are some interesting threads that I would like to hear more about, especially the Elixir, tough-as-nails cryers, rape culture, and opressor identities pieces. The bar bathroom piece is complicated for me though. Yes, bars have bathrooms. At the same time they are the least reliably safe public restrooms that I have encountered. In short, they are the least likely to have “full-size” dividers between stalls, locking stall doors, or doors at all for that matter. They can be problematic for trans people in a number of other ways too. Mind you my experience of bar bathrooms and my critique is based on my experience as a trans person adjusting to using “men’s” rooms. Anyway, food for thought – some people are not pissing or shitting in bar bathrooms. At all.

    Comment by Dakota — May 25, 2012 @ 4:36 pm | Reply

    • Thank you for raising my consciousness around that piece. I wasn’t thinking about who does and does not have access to bathrooms when I was constructing that analogy. For clarity (because this “note” lacks context), I was trying to draw an analogy between the existence of bathrooms in bars and the existence of abuse dynamics in the BDSM Scene, as a response to claims I keep hearing that, “Just because people get raped/abused in YOUR neck of the woods doesn’t mean it’s happening everywhere; the Scene is not a monolith!”

      For clarity: The point I intended to make (if I fleshed that analogy out) is that bars are an institution that exists for a purpose *other* than having a bathroom, much like Scenes are institutions that exist for a purpose other than facilitating abuse, but that bathrooms are still an inherent part of the structure of a bar, which means that no matter how unique and special and unusual and inclusive your particular bar is, there’s still a bathroom in it — and probably a bathroom that looks fairly similar to the bathrooms in other bars. Likewise, no matter how special and unique and cool your enclave of the Scene is, there’s probably still rape and abuse going on somewhere within it, and it’s probably going on in a fairly similar way to how it’s going on everywhere else in the Scene.

      However, I understand that any reference to bathrooms is potentially triggering for folks who don’t have privileges that make bathrooms safe places for them. Perhaps I can construct a different analogy that will do the same work but is more thoughtful? I’d love your insight if you have any ideas, but I can also totally think about and figure it out on my own. đŸ™‚ Love.

      (Hm. Incidentally, the point you bring up is actually a powerful thing to consider within the context of the analogy, also i.e. All bars have bathrooms, some people are using them, and some people don’t even have access to them. All Scenes have rape/abuse dynamics, some people in the Scene are raping/abusing or being raped/abused, and some people are so ostracized from or marginalized within the Scene that they don’t even have *access* to the contexts in which the rape/abuse might be happening — both of these seem like terrible positions. :-/ )

      Comment by thirdxlucky — May 25, 2012 @ 11:07 pm | Reply

  2. Reblogged this on That's Not a Kink Blog; THIS is a Kink Blog!.

    Comment by thirdxlucky — April 15, 2013 @ 2:29 am | Reply


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