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June 2, 2012

On Giving Myself Permission to be Messy

Filed under: Uncategorized — thirdxlucky @ 1:46 pm

I was writing a different post on metamour dynamics but I got distracted talking to Dakota about the language I was using in that post and ended up writing this on Facebook instead:

Idea: What if we jettisoned the implied hierarchies of “metamour”/”partner” language and talked about predicate and predicated aspects of relationships instead?

Key point: These words don’t necessarily describe a WHOLE relationship.

e.g. “I am metamours with Ashi” suggests that our whole relationship is somehow dependent on our “partnerships” with a third party. But Ashi and I have been close friends with since long before I started seeing her partner, Becky. Rather, I have a whole complex relationship w. Ashi of which our 10+ years of friendship are a part, and which also includes certain aspects that are predicated on our mutual intimate relationships with Becky.

Likewise, I might have relationships with new “metamours” that start out almost entirely predicated on relationships that we’re in with others — but that, as they develop, will acquire other aspects that aren’t triangulated through other people.

Finally, ALL relationships have some combination of predicate aspects and some aspects that are predicated on other relationships. This breaks the dyadist notion that some categories of relationships automatically “count” more than others — while still allowing us to acknowledge that some relationships are more structurally supportive/central to our lives than others.

Mostly, this is just another a move toward describing relationships rather than defining them. 😉

So, I’m just putting that here for now because I’m sure I’ll want to reference it later. I might finish the other post later. I might not. One thing I learned from writing it is that it’s really hard to talk abstractly about my personal life. 😛

Another thing I’m realizing is that, because most people I talk to aren’t running the same emotional software I am, trying to process my big-picture intimate network dynamics with others can feel really overwhelming to the people I’m processing them with. I’m trying to figure out ways to ask for what I need without giving so many specifics that it makes others feel helpless.

But, in short, the sub-section of my intimate network that I’m currently trying to get my head around engaging with looks like this. (Names have been blacked out — er, blued out — to protect privacy):

Intimate network diagrams are such a poly cliché.

I’m feeling a little overwhelmed myself.

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1 Comment »

  1. […] Blog. It’s been a while. I’ve been busy loving people and learning things. It’s been messy and I’ve been a little too immersed to actually articulate the nature of that immersion until […]

    Pingback by Metamour Workshop Braindump « Bloggity Blog Blog Blog… — June 25, 2012 @ 6:57 pm | Reply


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