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December 5, 2012

The Heaviest Moment

Filed under: Uncategorized — thirdxlucky @ 11:01 am

The Time: June 27th, 2010

The Place: In my car, driving alone from somewhere to somewhere else. The phone rings.

* ring ring *

* click *

ME: Matthew Guzzo.

MATTHEW: Rebecca. You might get this thing, ’cause you’re kind of a vagabond: I’m pot-committed in all of these places now. You understand what I mean? I own this house in a place that’s like a million miles away from me. I’m in the Navy. I’m going out on this ship. I’m working here. I’m teaching all these young kids; I’m like the guru now. I have this ongoing conversation with this mathematics professor where we go exploring and bring each other back treasures. I have this longterm relationship with this philosopher in fuckin’ Scotland. I’m connected to this crazy intellectual mystic in Poland who’s like my soulmate. I have a wife and a son. And a horse. Life is so dense.

ME: Yeah. I was just crying about this the other day, actually.

MATTHEW: And your mom says, “Why don’t you just come home, son?” And you’re like, “I CAME home, Mom. But I can’t stay here. I can’t live here.”

ME: That’s the problem. For them ‘home’ is this one place. They don’t understand that everytime you come home, you have to LEAVE home to get there. It’s constant heartbreak. And the worst part is that it’s a choice. It’s not like you’re being exiled. It’s not like you’re being dragged. Everytime you choose to go home because you miss it so bad, you’re choosing to leave home too, you’re choosing to leave people you love. You’re the one breaking your own heart. All the time.

MATTHEW: Oof. Yeah. What you just said. That’s the heaviest moment of our whole conversation.

. . .

The more we love, the more we have to deal with loss.

The more we love, the more we have to deal with loss.

The more loss we can deal with, the more we get to love.

The more loss we can deal with, the more we get to love.

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