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December 6, 2012

Encapsulated.

Filed under: Uncategorized — thirdxlucky @ 1:28 am

Hi there, Internet.

I thought maybe we could just hang out for a while. I’ve posted a lot of stuff lately about the deep inner workings of my mind and soul but not very much about just, y’know, what I’m up to. But I’m chilling on the couch in my house in Las Cruces and I’m feeling kinda chatty, so I thought I’d come say Hi.

So, yeah. I’m living in New Mexico. With Dakota, my partner of about two years. They’re sitting beside me on the couch right now, toiling over PhD school applications and putting finishing touches on their CV. We’ll be in New Mexico for a few more months while they finish up a Master’s degree at NMSU, and then we’ll be moving — but we don’t know where yet. It will depend on where they get into school. I think the uncertainty is a little stressful for them, but it’s pretty exciting for me. Both the moving itself, and the part where I get to move somewhere with them. Possibilities that are high on the list include: Canada, California, and middle of nowhere Indiana.

I’ve been down here in the desert since August — although I’d been visiting on-and-off since Kota moved down here to start school last year. I originally planned just to come for a semester and then return to Boulder in the Spring, but circumstances changed such that I’ve decided not to go back. To wit: I’ve always had a “like/hate” relationship with Boulder; it’s pretty and close to the mountains and has good public transit and there are lots of interesting things to do there for free if you can motivate yourself to get out of the house, but it’s also expensive and bougie and a cultural bubble and I’d been there since I was 12, so I often felt overwhelmed by the density of personal history and by the sheer number of cool people I knew and never had time to have coffee with. (There are a couple of people there who are really key parts of my intimate network and I do miss them a lot. But most of the people I’m closest to had moved away before I did. Many of them to the Bay Area and close by each other, conveniently enough.)

Still, I’d been wanting to get out Boulder for years, wanting to get at least as far away as Denver, but I’d stayed for a relationship and a job, both of which recently ended. Well, for some definition of “ended”. August and I had been together since we were teenagers and, in some ways, I imagine we’ll always be a part of each others’ lives. But we’d also been together since we were teenagers; he’s never really been on his own in his whole adult life. That’s something that felt important to him to experience if he’s ever going to figure out what he wants to do with the rest of that life and…it’s much more complicated than that, of course. But that’s the shortest possible version of a very long story.

As for the job, that has definitely ended. I worked with these folks on-and-off for a little over ten years, usually when I wasn’t working on the Ice. The job had it’s good sides and its bad sides, but I had an major falling out with my former boss after I filed a claim for Unemployment that painted her in a pretty unflattering light. I’ll be surprised if we ever communicate again. That was kind of a punch to the gut, although possibly one I deserved. I handled the situation badly and wish I’d done some things differently in retrospect. But, although I still feel bad about it, that may be a bridge it was best to have burned. That, also, is complicated.

So, now I’m here. I just got back from about a month of traveling on the East Coast. I went to give a talk on metamour relationships at a conference called Transcending Boundaries. Then I spent a few weeks traveling with Maymay. That’s another thing that happened to me in the past year: I met and fell for a boy named Maymay. The nature of our relationship is sort of inherently kaleidoscopic and illegible, which means that when I try to describe it, my words come out…well, sort of kaleidoscopic and illegible. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love him and that’s been a pretty steady state since not long after he showed up in my life, so I pretty much just go with that. So, we dodged a hurricane in New England (but got caught in a snowstorm in Rhode Island), stayed up all night in New York, and eventually ended up in Baltimore for Thanksgiving.

I’m probably supposed to say something here about what I’m doing for money, because that’s what “what I’m doing” is supposed to mean. The short answer is: Not much.

I’ve maintained the no-contact separation between myself and mom for almost a year now. I’ve been continuing to see a therapist, when I can afford her, to work on stuff related to that. I’ve been putting energy into rebuilding connections with the other people in my family. I’ve been trying to habituate myself to regular exercise, meditation, journaling and other things that are good for my brain — although I’ve fallen off the wagon a little bit since my trip East. Traveling is tough on routine. Generally speaking, though, I’m in pretty good shape. I had another goal of trying to bring more awareness to my spending and my financial situation in general, but I haven’t done so well with that.

I have been teaching myself to cook, with Dakota’s help. That’s been fun. Tonight I made pasta with veggie-licious red sauce from scratch. (Just the sauce from scratch, not the pasta.) Simple, but I still felt good about it. I’ve also been teaching myself more about the Tarot. And I’ve been spending a shitload of time on Twitter. Generally speaking, though, I feel like my relationship to the Internet right now is the best it’s been in years — in that I’m interacting with it pretty regularly, but don’t feel psychologically overwhelmed or like I can’t make decisions about those interactions thoughtfully, and I’m getting things out of it that I enjoy. For the most part. Some days are better than others. My panic attacks seem to have subsided a lot, which I worry a little bit about stating outloud because I don’t want to jinx it. But, even if that’s only temporary, it’s nice. And I’m slowly starting to feel more connected to my body and capable of coping with some sex-related things that I’ve been struggling with for a long time. So, that’s nice too.

I’m reading a book called Waking the Tiger, which is about somatic trauma and methods of recovery. Mel Li, my massage therapist friend from Antarctica, recommended it to me a million years ago, and I just borrowed a copy from a different friend recently. I also started reading Mark Twain’s Roughing It, but I haven’t been making time to read books a priority, so I’m not very far into it. I have been writing a lot. But, to be fair, I’m always writing a lot. I like what I’ve been writing lately, though, both publicly and privately.

I’ve sort of decided that I want to make comic books when I grow up. We’ll see if that happens.

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