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May 2, 2013

The Truth Takes Practice

Filed under: Uncategorized — thirdxlucky @ 1:14 am

There’s a thing that happens when the people who love me treat me well. More precisely, it happens when they treat me the way I want to be treated. Which is to say, when they are both very considerate of my boundaries and very gently but persistently affectionate at the same time, there is a thing that happens. What happens is that I get nervous. I get nervous because a little voice in my head starts whispering. “Something must be wrong,” it says, “You’re not supposed to get what you want. The things you want are stupid. And you don’t deserve them, anyway. This isn’t really happening. This isn’t what you think. You’re lying to yourself, or they’re lying to you, or both. It’s a trick.”

And I’m just noticing this voice and writing it down here. Because I think the claims made by this “little voice” — that I’m a fool to believe that, if people I love are treating me the way I want them to, it’s because they love me and that’s how I want to be treated — might be an artifact of abuse rather than a description of reality.

I realize that, as a reader, that may seem intuitively obvious to you. “Of course that’s abuse-based; it’s obviously not true.” But it doesn’t feel intuitively obvious to me. What feels intuitively obvious to me is that I don’t deserve to be treated in ways that me feel safe. That that’s an unfair and unreasonable thing to expect from someone who loves me.

There are some words in my head, and now some words on a screen, that tell me otherwise. But they don’t feel true, yet. And I will probably have to write them many, many, many more times before they do.

This is one time.


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