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December 20, 2013

Thoughts upon Passing My Final

Filed under: Uncategorized — thirdxlucky @ 11:47 am

My body is a scary place to inhabit. There’s a lot of pain there I don’t really want to deal with. “Subclinical pain” my teacher called it. The kind that you don’t know you have until somebody puts pressure on it.

There are two categories of people: People who I trust to only hurt me in ways that are good for me, and people who I don’t trust to only hurt me in ways that are good for me. “People who I trust not to hurt me” is a category so small I’m not sure I can name a single person who’s in it. I’m certainly not.

Everyone is dealing with so much trauma that sometimes I feel like I might be crushed by the weight of it. It’s coming from all sides, all the time, like a big grey cloud of grief and ache. Sometimes, I wish I could just shut myself down, focus only on healing my own wounds, and leave everyone else to take care of themselves alone. But, of course, I know that doesn’t work.

“Sometimes, if you grew up without someone who could hold space for your pain, learning to quietly witness for others can be a bear.” She said that, too. Bear was the word she used. 

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